Okay guys, I feel like I needed to get on here and vent a little because I’ve been having some not so great days lately and we’ve come a long way from this being the best thing that ever happened to our family. I really just need to get a few things off my chest and I have a feeling I’m not the only one out there with these thoughts and so I thought I would take a second to share.

Now, before I get started, don’t get me wrong. I still have good days. I still believe this was an amazing gift of time that we should not take for granted.  And I still hold true to everything I said in that post. I still love my family and I am still so thankful for everything we have and for our health and our safety. HOWEVER, I have now been with my kids (all four of them) 24/7 for the last 50 + days and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t losing it just a little bit. Okay maybe a lot.

When we first started our Covid quarantine I had so much motivation I made Martha Stewart look bad. I was making cookie dots for learning and making homemade playdough for fun. We were doing arts and crafts, and I was still getting dressed for goodness sakes. Well I am now at a stage where I don’t even know what day it is, I live in sweatpants (for multiple days at a time), and yesterday the kids skipped school because mommy needed a mental health break. Yes it’s that bad. Judge me all you want but I’m not even ashamed. 

In the last week I’ve had multiple toddler calls to 911, a permanent marker makeup session, and  oh, did I mention the small fire, Yes that’s right a fire. My 6 year old decided to throw his pyjamas over the banister, which landed in  a wall sconce and by the time I noticed they were up in flames. Thank goodness I was home and was able to put it out because I highly doubt 911 would’ve even answered our third call. 

And that was just one day. There have been so many equally crazy days since that, and it’s all starting to be a bit much.  And you know what? I could handle that. If all I had to do everyday was break up arguments, make a ridiculous amount of snacks because my kids are starving, and do damage control on the house, I could handle it. But it’s not. Instead we’ve decided to add homeschooling while working from home to the list.

And can we just talk about homeschool for a minute. Because I have A LOT to say about this

Guys, I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t say that when this quarantine first started I wasn’t all for it, because I was. I was excited and ready to give it my all. I fantasized about having our own little classroom and spending time together learning and having fun as a family. The Schell family was going to crush homeschool. How hard could it be?

I am now 8 weeks into this nightmare and all I have to say is WHY?

WHY the heck are we doing this! Isn’t this whole ordeal traumatic enough? Isn’t the fact that we are all locked up with no estimated date of release enough? Isn’t standing outside the grocery store in masks and wondering if our economy is going to be able to weather the storm enough? Isn’t not being able to see family or friends, or having to explain to my children that they can’t play at the park or go near other people enough?

No of course not. Now  I have to teach my 12 year old son Grd. 7 Algebra? Oh and that’s right after I somehow explain thermal and kinetic energy and  right before FRENCH CLASS! All the while multitasking with my 6 year old trying to teach him fractions, while my 2 year old runs wild giving herself a permanent marker makeup session because I have no way of possibly doing it all.

Come on people!!! This is ridiculous. No I can’t teach my kids French, I don’t even feel confident enough to heat a can of soup while reading the French instructions. Why are we doing this? Is this really necessary? Can’t we all just pack it up and call it a day?

Its May 14. We had a good run and I think we’ve come far enough. We all know there will be a major review come September, and in my opinion class should be dismissed. I’m sorry but I think the mental health of parents everywhere is way more important than a French poster project on Bonhomme Quebec, and I think the teachers would agree. I can’t even imagine trying to be a teacher and a parent right now. It’s like a double whammy. If I didn’t say it before I’ll say it now. I”M SO OVER HOMESCHOOL. 

Your school work? Help your parents cook dinner, read a book, or watch national geographic on Disney plus and play outside!! 

We’re losing our minds over here and there isn’t enough wine to get us to the end of June. And I’m just saying that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I didn’t have to fight for hours with my kids over school work while feeling like a complete and utter failure as a mother because Karen keeps posting pictures of her perfect looking children working perfectly at the kitchen table completing all the daily assignments in the perfect amount of time on Instagram. Thanks a lot Karen. 

Anyway the point is that I’m just tired of trying to do it all. And I have a feeling you are too. What we’re asking of ourselves is not possible and the unrealistic expectations we have given ourselves are not healthy and are only setting us up for failure. 

I know that there is no way that I can homeschool 3 kids in 3 different grades, while watching a toddler, work on my blog, cook and clean, organize groceries, and laundry, and stay sane and yet somehow I’ve told myself that that’s the mark and if I don’t reach it I have somehow failed. Isn’t that insane?! And yet I know I’m not the only one. 

And I’m just here to say we don’t have to. 

We don’t have to have all the answers right now and we don’t have to be put together. What we’re doing is unprecedented and if you need to throw in the towel one day than I’m here to say THAT’S OKAY. If you need to give your kids the iPad because it’s all you can do to stay sane then guess what. That doesn’t make you a bad mom. That doesn’t make you a failure. 

We’re all just trying to survive and if that means lucky charms for lunch and hot dogs for dinner one night than so be it. You will survive and they will survive and you will sleep and tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is always better. 

I’m not sharing all of this to out myself on the internet. I’m sharing this because I think that somewhere out there another mom is feeling it too. I think that somewhere out there, there is another mom feeling the guilt for losing her temper or feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders and I just think that we all just need to give ourselves some grace. This is probably one of the most insane situations any of us will ever experience in our lifetime and we need to take second and acknowledge all we’ve been through.

Because we’ve been through a lot….

This doesn’t mean that I’m throwing in the towel and giving up. Because I’m definitely not. Mom’s don’t quit. But if you’re looking for someone to raise their hand and say “hey, me too” Then here I am hands held high. We’re all in this together and this is hard. Motherhood is hard and Covid makes it worse. And it’s okay to not be okay. That doesn’t make us failures. It only makes us human. And at the end of the day all we can do is what we can do so just know this mama, you’re not alone. 

Laila

The post Down with homeschool (and everything else this quarantine has to offer) appeared first on The Good Wives Blog.

Okay guys, with everything that’s been going on lately I thought I needed take some time to talk about what’s been on my heart and to help put a few things into perspective. Or at least to share my perspective on some things because I think we’ve been given a gift, and this might be the best thing that has ever happened to your family.

If you know me, then you know that the coronavirus has been on my radar since the beginning. Like straight out of Wuhan beginning, and I bet there are a few people reading this right now that would even admit to thinking I was a bit crazy (don’t worry I forgive you).

Long before toilet paper was a thing, I was stocking up on goods and essentials, and putting them into my handy dandy coronavirus kit. Now, before you pull out the pitch forks, I should clarify that I am not currently hoarding copious amounts of Charmin in my basement. I simply bought what I thought we would need for a few weeks in the event that we were quarantined. I wanted to be prepared. And like you, I had no idea what to expect. I still don’t.

It didn’t take long for things to implode, and for fear and anxiety to sweep through leaving grocery store shelves empty and people running around with way more canned spam then we will ever actually eat. Don’t act like you didn’t buy it too. It just shows you how bad the situation really is though. And I’m not trying to dis canned spam here,  but let’s be real, no one was ever really eating that stuff, were they? All I am saying is that there has to be a lot of fear in the air for it to be selling like hotcakes.

Anyway, the point is its bad.  It’s canned spam bad ,and there is no shortage of bad and scary news everywhere you look. That combined with the uncertainty of our jobs, our business’s, and our economy, it’s a recipe for a heart attack. Or at least a few sleepless nights and tired mornings. Add a bunch of cabin fevered kids to the mix and I don’t think I need to tell you where this is going. I have a feeling I’ll be sending out an S.O.S. all over again.

Like honestly. Saturday morning, I woke up and it was the strangest feeling. Almost surreal. Like I was in a dream. We had NOTHING to do. I mean nothing. No sports practice, no doctors’ appointments, no coaches’ clinics, no play dates. No date nights, no church get together’s, no family dinners and no swimming lessons. Nothing. literally nothing. It was like culture shock to my soul. I mean I’ve dreamed about this day for so long and here it finally was. Truthfully, in my dreams, I was actually checked into a 5 star hotel with no phones and no kids, ordering room service in a bathrobe but hey, close enough. The schedule was clear and this was as close as I was going to get.

In all seriousness though, I hated it. I had no idea what to do with myself. I felt restless all day. Like I was supposed to be doing something and I wasn’t. Saturday turned into Sunday and Sunday into Monday and the initial shock of nothingness began to wear off. As the news worsened and the cancellations increased (RIP restaurant dining), I realized that we may be in this for the long haul, and I started to feel like maybe I could actually relax and be okay with this. Like I could begin to enjoy the time we had together as a family. Instead of feeling guilty for not doing something. And I started to wonder… How many people were like me?

On any given day our family is pulled in a million different directions. Take Tuesdays for example. Aaron, (my husband), will get home for supper at 5. We eat, and then our son Ryan has cross-fit at 5:45. Our son Rivera has kids club at 6:30. Then Ryan needs to be picked back up at 6:45 and driven to youth group for 7. Rivera needs to be picked up at 8:15, and Ryan needs to be picked up back up at 9. Somewhere in between all that our oldest daughter needs to be driven to and from work, and our youngest needs to be put to bed. Not to mention we usually have a few extra kids in tow for carpool.

Even just writing this is confusing and exhausting but the truth is, we live like this every day. I’m not saying it’s wrong. It’s just life and we just do it, and to be honest, I don’t think we’re the only ones.

How many families out there have been running around for the last 5, 10 or even 15 years, racing from program to activity and back, running so fast that they barely had a chance to think about it? How many husbands and wives have spent years passing each other in the arena or in the parking lot or even at the front door trying to cart everybody everywhere only to meet at the end of the night tired and exhausted barely ready to do it all again tomorrow? How many of us have been cruising on autopilot burning the the stick at both ends while our marriages and relationships suffered? And then I started to think, this might be the best thing that could ever happen to a family.

A complete and total shutdown. As if all of a sudden time stood still and all we had to do was be together. This has never ever happened before. And it will probably never happen again. At least not in our lifetime.

And there it is. A new perspective. I’m looking at this quarantine or to be politically correct, “social distancing” as a blessing. Yes, a blessing. As a gift of time and togetherness that no parents and no families before us ever got and probably never will again. The gift of family movie nights and of board games. The gift of sleeping in, and of pancake breakfasts. Of after dinner walks in the park and of parking the car in the driveway and leaving it there for days. The gift of doing absolutely nothing, together. The gift of family.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my family, and my husband and I are still going strong. But that doesn’t mean that we haven’t been missing out. That doesn’t mean that we haven’t been sacrificing quality time with each other for a packed schedule, and it doesn’t mean we haven’t been putting our marriage on the back burner. I think anyone who is married with kids can agree that more often than not our marriages become the last priority. All I am saying is that THIS IS A GIFT. Don’t waste it! Don’t spend your days stressed out about things that are out of your control and don’t spend days on end being anxious about things that may or may not happen.

It’s going to be okay. You will be okay! And everything will eventually work itself out. If it doesn’t, we will all be here to pick you up.  Your friends, your family, your community. You’re not alone and the world is not hanging on your shoulders. It’s going to be okay.

Yes, times right now are scary and yes there is a lot of uncertainty, but we have an amazing opportunity here. We get to write the story. We get to decide what they will say about us 100 years from now, and we get to decide how we reacted and how we treated others. You decide if we are remembered for our toilet paper wars or how we came together as a family, as a community, and as the world.

For the first time ever, we have been given the gift of perspective. To strip everything away and to see what truly matters. Family. Community. People.

So do me a  favor, stop reading the news every five minutes and put the phone down. I promise you; you’re not missing much. Dust off the board games and the puzzles and grab a pair of your comfiest pants and bunker down. Order the take out and support the local restaurant who desperately needs your business and for goodness sake, stop with the toilet paper. Spend time with your spouse after the kids are in bed and remember why you liked each other in the first place. Enjoy this gift while you have it because before you know mother nature will flip the switch and we’ll back to business as usual. Hopefully stronger and a little more united because of it.

Lots of love,

Laila

The post This Might Be The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Your Family appeared first on The Good Wives Blog.

Yesterday I had to ditch being my regular cool mom self (again), in exchange for being a jerk.  Okay maybe not a jerk, but a “mean mom” for sure. And if you ever plan on having a teenager, and you care even the slightest bit about how you raise them, then I promise you, that unless you compromise, you will too. It’s inevitable. We’ve all been there and if you haven’t yet, you will.

Not long from now those cute morning snuggles and tiny little hands in yours will be replaced with academy award winning eye rolls, long dramatic sighs, and bedroom doors slamming so hard the trim will literally shake. I don’t care if you’re Dr. Phil himself. It’s going to happen. Just you wait.

And when it does, I want you to remember these words. Hang on for the ride. If I can give you any advice at all, it would be just that. Hang on.

I remember sitting at a friend’s kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee one morning, as I unloaded on her all the stress and anxiety that came from having a teenager at home. “How did you do it?” I cried. “How did you make it to the other side?” Her kids were well equipped for the world. They were making good choices and were successful upstanding members of society. I had to know her secret. I was expecting a long and detailed list of book worthy, Harvard studied facts that I had never thought of. Dang, why didn’t I bring a notebook. But what came next was one of the simplest yet most powerful things I have ever heard. “Just hang on for the ride” she said. “Hang on for the ride and don’t compromise.” Wow. Wiser words have never been spoken. As a mom of a soon to be 18-year-old I can honestly say it’s the best advice I have ever been given, and if I can leave you with only one thing when it comes to raising teenagers it would be this. Don’t compromise and just hang on for the ride.

And there it is. Compromise. What does that even mean?

Don’t compromise.

You might not have thought about it before, especially if you have little ones at home, but there is going to come a day when they won’t just do as you say. Not that they really do that now, but you know what I mean. Their friends won’t be your friend’s kids. Their activities won’t be the ones you choose for them. And their opinions on things may leave you wondering where you ever went wrong in life. Your sweet little child will be replaced with an angry hormonal teenager and they will have questions and thoughts, and need a whole lot of understanding. Not long from now they will form their own ideas and make choices that you might not always agree with. And trust me, that part is hard. Allowing them to grow and to be independent while still maintaining values and not compromising is hard.

Especially when we live in an age of society where everything and anything is okay.

Yesterday I was faced with it firsthand. My almost 13-year-old son had come home from school excited to tell me that he and his classmates had made plans to go see a movie. Which by the way warms my heart so much.  I can still remember making plans to go to Famous Players on $2 Tuesdays to see Titanic for the 15^th time and praying that Ricky Little would sit next to me. And yes, that was his real name.

Anyway, I was all on board with it until I heard that they were going to see Invisible Man. I had no idea what this movie was about, but I could tell by the way he was asking that I needed to find out more. Long story short, it’s an R rated film that he had absolutely no business watching. That didn’t make it any easier though. He was looking forward to going and I had to be the one to tell him no, and potentially embarrass him in front of his friends. Cue mom guilt now.

Okay, maybe you’re sitting there thinking that I’m over reacting and you’re totally cool with your kids watching R rated movies. That’s fine. You do you. I’m not here to judge.  All I can do is follow my own heart and it’s convictions, and my heart tells me that life is hard and scary enough for kids, and that I need to protect their innocence as long as I can. I don’t want to take part in filling my child’s head with graphic images and terrible circumstances. The world will do that all on it’s own. And so, the fight ensued.

“But why mom!” he protested. “Everyone else is going. You don’t understand” he exclaimed. Not realizing that I understood full well. “I’m not going to be scared. It’s just a stupid movie, and I’m not a baby anymore. Why do you always have to be like this” he said.

Okay Pause.

In this moment I could’ve chosen a few different scenarios.  I could’ve gotten emotionally invested in the conversation and started to argue with him. It wouldn’t be the first time I had gotten sucked into an argument with my kids and went off the deep end. Doesn’t he know I’m only trying to protect him! Cue big fight now.

I could have laid down the law point blank and dropped the old “because I said so and that’s that.” line, which by the way is the WORST possible thing you can say to a teenager (more on that another day).

OR

I could have just caved a.k.a compromised my values and let him see it. Everyone else was going. Maybe I was overreacting? If other parents think it’s okay for their kids to watch maybe it’s okay for mine? He was really looking forward to it. Maybe it’s not that bad…

But I didn’t.

In fact. I didn’t really choose any of those options. Instead I chose to pull it up on Focus on the Families, Plugged in Movie Review (which by the way is an AMAZING resource) and walk him through all the elements of the movie that did not sit well with me. I needed him to understand why I was making the decision that I was. And that there was a reason I was making this decision, even if he didn’t agree with me. Teenagers need that. They won’t say it but they do.

Teenagers need to understand and be part of the process, and not including a conversation about why you’re doing the things you’re doing can lead to a serious break down in the relationship. A wise man once said “rules without relationship equals rebellion.” and he was spot on. Not to mention you’d be missing out on an amazing teaching opportunity.

I fully believe that although kids say they don’t agree with us. Deep down inside they crave that kind of love from us. The kind of love that sets boundaries for them and that says I love you enough to make the tough decisions for you.  I love you enough to stand on my convictions and hang on for the ride. Yes they kick and scream. Yes they will tell you the world is ending. But at the end of the day if we don’t let them do stupid things now, they will thank us later. If we can just hang on for the ride.

In the end the group decided to see a movie that everyone was allowed to watch, and I was quickly back to being the cool mom when I agreed to drive them all to the theater.

I don’t know what your convictions are and I don’t know what’s important to you, but I do want to challenge you to take a minute and think about it. And then to stand strong and hang on for the ride. What values do you want to instill in your children? The big important stuff you want them to remember when their sitting in a dorm room 100 miles away? Those are things you cannot compromise. Those are the things you need to hang on to the next time the door slams in your face or the eyes roll to the back of their head. The next time your heart hurts and you feel like caving in just remember that those that went before us are on the other side. That if we can love our kids enough to be a consistent pillar of strength while they figure it all out they will thank us. There is a light at the end of a strange and hormonal tunnel and that if you can just hang on for the ride I promise you it will all be worth it.

Laila

The post Hang On For The Ride (Surviving The Teen Years Without Compromising) appeared first on The Good Wives Blog.

What Happened When This Mom Stopped Doing All The Things – Another honest experience on raising my kids.

What does mothering our kids actually look like? Is it running around trying to do everything for our kids and trying to minimize their workload? Is it picking up after them, doing all their laundry, and making sure they never feel any discomfort at all? What happened When This Mom Stopped Doing All The Things is something I recently wrote for The Grit and Grace Project and I would LOVE for you to check it out. If you’ve never heard of The Grit and Grace Project trust me you’re going to LOVE IT! CLICK HERE! 

Mothering is hard  like watching a season finale of Grey’s Anatomy hard and after four kids I’m still trying to navigate the waters. As moms we all know that doing things ourselves is JUST EASIER! But one day I started thinking… Easier for who?

Teaching my kids responsibility can sometimes feel like the worst chore and the struggle is real. But I’m learning that just because it’s hard it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do. If you’re a mom or plan on being one, then you’ll want to check this one out.

“Ryan! You need to unload the dishwasher!” I could seriously feel my patience slipping away as I yelled upstairs to my 12-year-old son (for the 17th time today). It was already one of those days, and it really wouldn’t take much more to push me over the edge. “I should just do it myself,” I thought, tempted to lose the battle and try again tomorrow. The last thing I wanted was a fight. But then again, his future wife wouldn’t thank me…..

Read More on What Happened When This Mom Stopped Doing All The Things 

Need a little more inspiration? Check out Dear Mama, Don’t Forget to Dream or SOS

The post What Happened When This Mom Stopped Doing All The Things appeared first on The Good Wives Blog.

I’ve been trying to write lately and I just keep coming back to this. So, I thought I would just keep it real with you and write what’s on my heart. At the end of the day that’s really all I can do. And so I decided to scrap my plans and write about my unexpected grief.

The last few days have been hard. Which is weird for me because it was so unexpected and I really didn’t see it coming. Sunday was just like any other day. I woke up to a completely ordinary day. I didn’t really think twice about it. I went about making my plans, drinking my overpriced caramel latte and complaining about the mess the kids made. I thought about grocery shopping and what our plans were next week and a million other menial tasks that at the end of the day really didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I never once thought I would come face to face with grief and especially not for someone I had never even met.  And then I picked up my phone and saw the headlines. It almost felt surreal. Like one of those awful click bait headlines that you read about  and later find out to be cruel and untrue.

As the day went on though and the story unfolded, I realized the tragedy was true. Kobe Bryant and his 13-year-old daughter Gianna along with 7 others were killed in a horrific helicopter crash in L.A. and the whole world began to mourn.

As thoughts played out in my mind, I actually felt silly for feeling grief. I didn’t watch basketball and I wasn’t Kobe’s #1 fan. We’d never met and we probably never would have, but I just couldn’t shake the feelings. As details kept emerging about the crash, I kept trying to rationalize my grief and talk myself out of it. I played the crash over and over in my mind, my heart breaking for those on board and what they must’ve been thinking and feeling as it happened. I wish I could’ve helped them. I wish I could have changed their outcome. I wish I could bring them back. And I so wish I could hug their families tight and tell them everything would be okay.

I felt so selfish for feeling overwhelmed with my kids today. I felt selfish for complaining about the menial tasks. And I felt selfish for not cherishing my family and the time that  I have with them. Because it was now a luxury that so many involved do not have. And I thought about how they must wish they could turn back the clock and have just one more completely ordinary day.

It’s been 5 days since the crash and my heart still ache for Vanessa and the children left behind. For the families of the other crash victims and I wonder how they will get through this. I cannot even imagine what they are going through. I don’t think anyone can. I think our brains know better than to let us go there.

I pause often throughout the day and think of them. To say a prayer for them and to ask God to give them the strength they will need to keep going. To hold them up and to bring them comfort and peace right in that very moment. If I could say something to Vanessa, I would say you’re not alone. We are here. The world is right here with you. Mothers everywhere are aching for you and we will hold you up. We will stand in the gap when you can’t, and we will cover you and your babies in prayer. We won’t forget about you. And we will be strong for you.

Sunday morning the Bryant family had no idea that it would be there last together. And I think that’s what’s so hard about this. Kobe didn’t just die. He reminded us all to live. He reminded us all how temporary and fragile life really is. How even the best plans are just plans, and that none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. He reminded us to stop and to take an account, of everything that matters to us. Of our loved ones and whats really important. He reminded us that all we really have is today.

He once said “The most important thing is to try and inspire people so they can be great in whatever they want to do.” And I think that even in his death he is reminding us of that. I think we can all say that our reality was shaken on Sunday, and that we were all reminded that our time here is limited. That we are not invincible and that we all need to love a little harder. To grab hold of our kids and hug them a little tighter. And to cherish every single minute, of every single hour, of every single day that we have been given.

I didn’t know Kobe Bryant but his life touched mine today in a profound way. And I hope that I can honor that for as long as I live.

Laila

The post My Unexpected Grief appeared first on The Good Wives Blog.

It’s obviously no surprise to you that tomorrow is a new year. A new decade and a fresh start. And while I’m sure you’ve put a lot of thought into what you’re going to eat tonight, what your’re going to wear, and who you’re going to spend it with. I wanted to challenge you today to dig a little deeper. I know I am a little late to the game here but I’ve been reflecting on some things  and if you have a minute, I’d love to share a little about it.

What are you hanging on to? This has been playing in my mind over and over again today. While I’m washing dishes. While I’m changing diapers. I just can’t seem to shake it. As I think back over the year I’ve had, and even the years before, I realize that there are some things that I’ve been carrying that are defining me. Some good, some bad, and some that have no business of hanging around still. Like you, this past year has come with so much good. I’ve been able to stay at home with my kids. I’ve spent time with my family and friends building relationships. And I have smashed some serious goals for my blog. But also just like you I’ve had some hurts, some pain, and some regrets. I’ve had friends turn their back on me, I’ve had family disappoint me and I’ve made mistakes and  done some things I wish I would have done differently. And while I can’t go back and change things. I can decide if it has enough value to come with me into tomorrow. And the good news is, so do you.

Imagine for a second that you’re going on a trip. What are you packing? Why are you bringing it? And does it add any value to your life? Does it deserve to come with you into a new decade? These are questions only you can answer. Maybe you’ve never even thought about it? Maybe you’re carrying a bag full of things you don’t even realize you have. Only you can search yourself and take a record. Only you can decide if they get to come along for the ride. Tomorrow is a new year. And you can choose to let go and leave behind all the garbage that doesn’t belong.  You can choose to finally be free.

Listen, I don’t know everything you’ve been through.  And I’m not here to minimize it. I’m just here to say that you don’t have to carry it around anymore. You don’t have to bring it with you. What’s done is done and dragging it around for another year won’t make one bit of difference. Take a minute and say your goodbyes. Make your peace with it and then run free into 2020 and never look back. Pack a bag with all the good you can. Wrap up the lessons you’ve learned, and the struggles that shaped you and made you stronger. And then throw out the trash. It doesn’t belong here and we’ve carried it long enough.

We all have things we’re carrying. Some of it’s ours and some of it belongs to others. But today I challenge you, just as I challenge myself to take an inventory. Tonight while you’re celebrating and eating all the good food, surrounded by all the good wine. Take a minute and search yourself. Decide what’s in your bag. And if it really belongs there. And then say goodbye. As the clock strikes 12 and you ring in the new year leave it behind and get ready for the trip of a lifetime. 2020 is just beginning and I am believing that it’s going to be your best decade yet. If you’re reading this, than it’s not by accident. God has a plan for you and he wants you to take out the trash. Tonight, choose freedom and get excited for all that goes with it!  We get to decide what’s in our bag. We get to choose what follows us and we get to decide if we want to step out in faith and believe that we deserve to be free. So pack your bags. I’ll see you on the other side.

Happy New Year,

Laila

The post What are you hanging on to? appeared first on The Good Wives Blog.

Something happened to me this morning and it has me thinking A LOT about motherhood and the silent lessons that we teach our kids. In fact it messed me up so much that I just had to clear my afternoon and share.

This week has been a crazy one and it’s only Tuesday. Clearly I wasn’t thinking straight when I agreed to multiple specialist appointments in the same week, a week before Christmas. But in my defense, I booked them months ago, and I usually can’t see past Thursday let alone a few months down the road. Now maybe you’re reading this and it doesn’t sound that bad, but you try packing up the kids (two of which are toddlers) into the car while getting the other kids off to school. Drive for 30 minutes. Unload and get a DOUBLE stroller into a doctor patient room, while trying to keep them entertained because taking them out is definitely not an option. Try staring at the clock and PRAYING you get out of there with enough time to keep them from falling asleep on the way home, because you know if they do, they will never nap this afternoon. And oh yeah, one of them will most definitely take a dump while you are there because one of them always does. Now do it back to back. See, it sucks.

That combined with the fact that the whole time we’re out, the laundry is not getting done, dinner is not being made, and all of a sudden its 3 pm and the rest of the herd shows up, and I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing all day. Am I the only one here? Mix in a few Christmas potlucks, the need to bake cookies (yes that is a real need) and wrap presents, and the fact that my kids are absolutely bouncing off the walls because Christmas is a week away, and I may have left a tray of hardened sugar cookies piled high with candy out from our cookie decorating party on Saturday and that equals crazy. Needless to say I’m feeling motherhood this week. Which leads me to my next point. I fed the kids McDonald’s hash browns in the waiting room of the dermatologist office today.  That’s right. I said it.

Now your either gasping in judgement (shame on you) OR you’re thinking to yourself “big deal.” And it’s not. But if you’re a mom than you know that feeding your toddlers a McDonald’s hash brown in public is like feeding them tequila and cigars. The LOOKS I got because I failed to pack a neatly organized Bento box filled with freshly picked fruits and veggies we’re enough to send me over the edge. I felt like standing up on my chair and announcing that “Hey! I’m all for fresh fruits and veggies and I’ve even been known to include a little love note inside. But some days YOU JUST GOTTA SURVIVE!” But then I realized that my 17 year old daughter might be mortified so I decided to keep my mouth shut.

Anyway, that’s not what this post is about. I know, I really went off side their for a minute. You should see me in real life. Anyway. This post is about the woman who sat across from me this morning in a crowded dermatology office. A woman who unknowingly struck a nerve in me and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

First of all, I have to say that this dermatology “institute” is ridiculous. It’s way to small for the amount of people they try to pack in there and it’s on Main Freakin St. in Markham. Okay I added the freakin but common people. Who’s idea was it to open a medical institute on the tiniest, bougiest street in York Region? The one with NO PARKING and a million little shops. Yes great idea. Also I am fully aware that “bougiest” may not be a word but it should be so here we are.

Anyway here I was crammed in. Feeding my kids hash browns and fantasizing about defending my motherhood at the top of my lungs, when a small nurse comes out and calls a lady’s name. I  see a woman get out of her chair and try to squeeze past the ginormous double stroller taking up the whole dang room, when the woman across from me turns to her 6 or 7 year old boy and says WORD FOR WORD “I hope that woman gets told she has skin cancer back there.” Excuse me?! I was literally in shock. I couldn’t even pretend to mind my business. I just stared at her blankly and I watched that little boy look up at his mother and ask “why mom?” And instead of correcting herself and trying to do full damage control, she looked at him and said “because, that’s what happens when you cut people in line, you get what you deserve” My heart literally sank into my chest.  This woman had no idea. The silent lesson that she had just taught that innocent little boy was huge. That little tic tac size comment will go deep within his brain and shape the man he will one day become. She obviously didn’t think that far ahead. And I wish this was the only ridiculous thing she said in the 10 minutes I sat across from her but it wasn’t. And the whole thing just made me sad.

I’m not here to judge her. I’m not about that around here. And although I cannot even begin to condone what she said, for all I know she was as over worked and as over tired as I am. To me another mom in the trenches will always be an allied.  But it did make me think about my own interactions and the way I act in front of my children. It made me think about the silent lessons that we teach our kids. Not the intentional lessons, like washing their hands, chewing with their mouths closed, or saying sorry for stealing a toy in the playgroup. I’m talking about the way we handle ourselves when we are under pressure. The way we speak to our waiter when our order isn’t right. Or the way we react when people cut the line. It reminded me that those little eyes are watching. Their ears are listening and more often than not our children will grow up and do exactly what we did, regardless of what we say. And that really struck a cord in me.

I get that we all have our days. Things happen and we are emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. We can’t always do or say the right things. I have certainly been there and I wish I could say that I’ll never be there again but I’d be lying if I did. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t pause to self reflect. To hold ourselves accountable and to look at motherhood as one of the greatest responsibilities that we will ever have. And that means we have to be on point, even when it’s hard.  I wish I could say that I turned to that woman and said something but I didn’t. What I can say is that I am thankful for that moment in a crowded dermatologist office that reminded me how important it is to lead by example. That going forward I am going to be even more aware of the silent lessons I am teaching my children, and that I need to remember that the lessons I instill in them will not always be intentional.  I can’t change that woman but I can certainly change myself, which will in turn change my children. And that can have a ripple effect that can one day change the world.

Laila

The post The Silent Lessons We Teach Our Kids appeared first on The Good Wives Blog.

A few years ago Aaron and I started doing something a little non traditional and I honestly think if you tried it you would do it too. We really weren’t planning on doing it, it just sort of happened and I can honestly say we haven’t looked back. We’ve been doing a toy free, guilt free Christmas, and I have to say, WE LOVE it. And when I say we, I mean ALL of us. Kids and everything. I am so glad that we are doing it, that I just had to share. Now before you write me off and silently judge me for ruining my kids life, just hear me out.

Years ago we were just like most people. So caught up in stress and the chaos of Christmas that we barely even had a chance to see it and then it was gone. We spent so much time wondering what we were getting the kids, driving around like maniacs, trying to get our hands on a stupid rainbow loom because our 12 year old daughter JUST HAD to have one. Lining up at a Miko Toy warehouse like cattle being led to the slaughter. Only to wake up on boxing day with a whole lot of junk in the house that our kids don’t really need and probably won’t remember come next year. Exhausted and happy that it’s all over. It sounds crazy, but I know you know it’s true.

Like us, our kids have to much stuff. Like way to much stuff and honestly it makes me feel gross. We buy, gather, and collect because we think that it will make us (or them) happy. But it doesn’t. Maybe in the moment, but nothing kills the mood in a house like a pile of unused and unnecessary junk. And yet we keep it. And then next year we add to the pile. Marie Kondo would be so unimpressed. Year after year we would tell ourselves, next year will be different. And although our intentions were good, we always ended up in the same boat. Can you feel me?

Then something happened. We got tired. We got tired and unhappy and we didn’t like the example we were setting for our kids. We knew something had to change. So we decided we weren’t going to do it anymore. We weren’t’ going to buy into the craziness and we would test the waters and pray that our kids (and us) survived. And you know what? We didn’t just survive. We thrived!! Instead of giving gifts of toys and electronics, we gave an experience. One for each child, Mom and Dad too, all tied together over the holidays. And I can tell you that we’ve been doing it ever since.

Now I know what your thinking, “my kids would never be okay with that” or, “what would they play with on Christmas?” and of course,”It takes the fun out of Christmas.” I know everything you’re thinking because I thought it too. But can I tell you that I was wrong! Our kids actually love this tradition and love spending the time with us even more. And you know what else. They remember EVERY SINGLE TRIP. That’s right, if you ask them what they did for Christmas for the last 4 years they can tell you. In detail. Go ahead and ask your kids what they got 4 years ago and what are they doing with it now?

One year the whole family got tickets to the World Juniors in Buffalo. We stayed at the Indoor Fallsview Water Park and went to Cracker Barrel for lunch (that was for me clearly). We left a few days after Christmas and spent New Years Eve in the falls so Felicity could see her favorite concert while I slept in a hotel bed with room service. It was SO MUCH FUN! Another year we went down town Toronto for a little stay-cation with an indoor pool, and last year we went big and did a trip to Ohio/Florida and finished off with a cruise.  The kids got sunglasses and Royal Caribbean flip flops in their stocking and it was so much fun to see the running around going crazy with excitement.  Obviously every year can’t be like that but you get the idea. Our kids have come to love the idea of spending time together as a family, and so have I. We have made memories and built bonds and it feels good to know that we can still enjoy Christmas without having the pressure of purchasing elaborate gifts and junky toys. It feels good to know that the gifts we give have lasting effects on our family.

Our kids still get to open presents. I’d be lying if I said there were no gifts under the tree each year. But we have  just became strategic and intentional about it. Any tangible gifts would have to be practical or useful. A new hockey jersey if we were taking them to a game. A baseball bat or a gift certificate for an activity we think they would enjoy. We would even print off hotel pictures or logos of the activities we had planned and wrap them up. The year we went on a cruise, we left a envelope on the tree that said your gift is on the TV. When they ran over and turned it on it was playing a Royal Caribbean Adventure of the Seas promo. They freaked!

Guys, so many of us are missing the point of Christmas and I fear we are training our kids to do the same. What kind of examples and traditions are we passing down to them? We run around from house to house tired and exhausted because we feel guilty for not seeing absolutely everyone. Our kids are overloaded with gifts at each and every stop. And then we over spend to over compensate, trying to make sure our kids feel happy. And if we’re honest, I don’t think we really feel all that good about it. We are missing the point. We are missing an incredible opportunity to bond together as a family. And we are missing the chance to show our kids whats really important in life. And I’m just here to say, we don’t have to.

We don’t have to accept this as the norm anymore. We don’t have to go everywhere and see everyone and spend money on useless items because we think our kids will somehow be deprived if we don’t. Our family doesn’t and you know what? We couldn’t be happier. Our lives are crazy busy. With work and kids activities, responsibilities and other commitments,  spending quality time together as a family is becoming harder and harder to do these days. It constantly gets put on the back burner, and yet its one of the most important things we can do for ourselves and our children. I can tell you that family vacations and outings bring you together in a way like nothing else can. Memories and bonds are made that last a lifetime. My kids still talk about swimming in hotel pools and ordering Papa Johns pizza at 11 pm to this day.

Guys, wouldn’t it be nice to actually enjoying the holidays?  To only purchase what you could actually afford and not feel bad about it? Instead of running around and trying to figure out what i’m buying, then spending hours wrapping everything. I have the peace of knowing that we get to spend the holidays doing fun family activities together, uninterrupted and guilt free. I get to relax and get my festive cheese ball eating sweatshirt on while having lots and lots of red wine. Oh and then after all that ACTUALLY ENJOYING TIME WITH MY FAMILY! Yeah that’s right I said it.

Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. And I think we all do a great job of pretending that it is. But I bet if we took a second to really evaluate what we’re doing, we could all admit to buying things we didn’t need and running around to parties we didn’t enjoy only to impress people (and kids) who really shouldn’t care. But what if it actually could be the most wonderful time of the year? What would that look like for you? What if instead of toys and junk, chaos and stress, we were intentional about our gifts? What if we didn’t over book and over commit and actually enjoyed our time with our loved ones. Spend time together but if you can’t fit everyone in over Christmas without keeping your sanity, take turns. Aaron and I do one year with his family and the next year with mine. Of course we would LOVE to see everyone over the holidays but we have chosen quality over quantity and refuse to spend the holidays driving from one place to another, burning the candle at both ends.

And listen, toys are not bad. If that’s all you are hearing me say then you have completely missed the point. I’m not saying I will never buy a toy at Christmas again. Toys are not the problem. The problem comes when we overload and over spend on things that don’t add any value in our lives, or worse, do the opposite. The LAST THING our kids need is another IPad or video game that will only fuel their addiction to electronics. You can’t complain 11 months of the year that your kids won’t get off the iPad and then buy them the newest version for Christmas. Just sayin.

This Christmas choose quality over quantity. Choose to be intentional about your gifts and about the time you have. And most of all choose to enjoy your family and those delicious festive cheese balls because of course it’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Lots of Love,

Laila

The post The Toy Free Christmas appeared first on The Good Wives Blog.

Hey Ya’ll. I’m back on this  Grit and Grace Life this month and I have to say, I am excited about this one. When you don’t feel #blessed as mom is something I wrote because let’s be real, as moms there are way to many days we feel like we’re not so #blessed. THAT’S OKAY!!!  It’s all OKAY! And I think we need to talk more about it!

Have you ever had those days where you feel like everything is working out? You slept well the night before. You woke up before your kids and actually got a hot cup of coffee down. Your hair falls exactly the right way and your favorite cracker barrel t-shirt is wearing just right (okay, that last one might be all me). But it’s amazing, right? I know those days are few and far between but aren’t they glorious? Of course they are! Those are the type of days when people without kids start to fantasize about what it would be like, saying things like, “Wouldn’t it be nice to start a family? Let’s have one boy and one girl, exactly 18 months apart so they always have a friend. It will be so nice and so perfect and we will be #blessed.” Bless their hearts, but they really have no idea what they are in for.

Anyone who has a child knows that most days are hard. Like watching a season finale of Grey’s Anatomy hard, and there is no sugar coating it ever. The truth is that although social media doesn’t show it, 95% of the time you won’t feel #blessed at all. In fact, you’ll probably feel #haventshoweredindays or #cantgetmycraptogether or maybe even #isitwinetimeyet. And guess what, that’s okay because I’ve come to realize that we’re not supposed to.

Read The Full Story Here

Watch it here!

The post When you don’t feel #BLESSED as a mom appeared first on The Good Wives Blog.

Alright, can we just talk about birthday parties for a minute? I mean really talk about it? Because I think we might have a problem. I don’t know about you but I sometimes find myself on Facebook, scrolling through the mommy groups. Not because I want to post something, but because my favorite day time television show is down and I need a little drama in my life. Just kidding (sort of).

Maybe I am weird and you’re not the scrolling type so let me break it down for you. On any given day, while scrolling through these groups, your usually good for a few TMI photos of someone’s kids rash or a good rant about the fact that the town does or does not have a good garbage pick up company. There is almost always a “this towns gone down hill” for whatever reason post and of course, mixed in with those, will be the ISO’s which means “In Search Of.” On a good day you will find the neighborhood disputes (my personal fave) or someone trying to sell their expired breast milk (true story), but the ones that have really been getting to me are the birthday parties and if I don’t talk about this then I might actually explode.

You know you’ve seen them. The “how much money should I spend on my son’s birthday party?” or the “we already have an ice cream truck, two bouncy castles and a magician but do you think I need a clown?” Seriously? No, I don’t think you don’t need a clown Karen, and to be honest with you, you probably don’t need any of it. He’s turning 1, and I’m sorry but he will probably end up eating grass the whole afternoon. If your lucky he might even stay awake long enough for you to cut that $200 3-tiered custom cake you ordered that will mostly end up in the garbage.

Don’t shoot the  messenger 

Did you know the average parent spends between $600 to $1000 per party? With the venue and the cake, loot bags, and food, your in for a pretty penny. And that’s if you skip out on the entertainment and decor. That’s a freakin’ trip to Cuba people. And to be honest I think I would appreciate a trip to Cuba FAR MORE than my kids would appreciate a party. Guys, I am guilty as charged. I will be the first one to stand up and say “Hi, my name is Laila, and I have a problem.” I will be the first one to admit that I have spent money and energy on parties that I shouldn’t have. And I will be the first one to say I’ve gotten carried away. But I don’t think I’m the only one.

I have had so many moms share with me their thoughts and insecurities when it comes to their kids parties. Worried that it won’t be good enough for the parents they invited. Worried that their guests might silently judge them for what they did or didn’t do. I have had conversations about the fact that they way over spent and I’ve heard about the fights they have gotten into with their spouses. And you know what, that makes me sad. The pressure we have put on ourselves (myself included) is ridiculous. Since when does a child need a pony ride, a jumpy castle, and a zoo themed 3-tiered cake on their first birthday. Seriously Karen, that’s all for you.

For some reason we have made it okay to throw our financial responsibility out the window, we’ve made it okay to use a child’s birthday to fulfill our own insecurities and we’ve kept that terrible clown in business for far to long. I’m here to sound the alarm.  It’s time to take back birthdays.

Enough is enough

Listen I know this might not now be a popular post but we need to talk about it. We’ve have somehow tried to justify it by saying its all for the kids but who are we kidding? We know its not true. Our kids don’t care. Families are spending money on lavish birthday parties that they simply can’t afford to impress people who shouldn’t care.

Enough is enough, when will we learn that it’s okay to scale it back. In fact, it’s probably better. When will we learn that our children would desperately rather have a happy and engaged Mama rather than a frazzled, stressed out, broke, and to busy running around making everything perfect to even notice one.

I think our kids and our marriages would be better off if we all just took a breather.

Listen. I love birthday parties, I LOVE planning parties. I have a cold cellar filled with every possible party theme and then some, and I find great joy in decorating and planning out menu’s. Nothing makes me happier than bringing people together for good food and fun. I seriously love parties. So hear me when I say this, parties aren’t bad. The problem comes when they are fueled by selfish motives and when we spend money and energy that we simply don’t have. And I have definitely been guilty of that.

We want our kids to be loved and to feel cherished and to have everything that we couldn’t. And let’s just be honest, we want people to like us. But it’s okay to say “hey this is what I can afford. This is what I can handle” and be okay with that.

Birthdays are important. Of course, we want to celebrate life, but isn’t it more important to prepare them for life? I think in a society that tells us we need more and more and more, we need to do a better job of saying no. We need to do a better job of showing our kids that it’s okay not to have the biggest house or the most expensive loot bags. That the important things are quality time and how we connect with one another.  If I see another post about how much should I spend on loot bags or gifts I might cry. The answer is WHAT YOU CAN AFFORD! And I’m sorry to say but If you can afford anything than maybe you should hire a party planner and get off Facebook.

The point I’m trying to make is that we have all probably gone off the deep end once or twice. We are all guilty of over compensating when it comes to our children. And we are all guilty of letting society dictate the choices we will make when it comes to raising our kids. I’m just putting it out there to say that we don’t have to accept that. We don’t have to buy presents we can’t afford or throw parties we will regret when it comes time to pay the bill.

We don’t have to let the fear of what others will say or think contribute into the decisions we make as parents. I think it’s time to take back birthdays and more importantly it’s time to start showing our kids that although the world tells us we need fancy cakes and fast cars, lavish gifts and the newest gadgets, I think that all we really need is love.

Laila

Have a minute? Check out

• What Happened When This Mom Stopped Doing All The Things
• Hang On For The Ride (Surviving The Teen Years Without Compromising)

Need a little dinner inspiration?

• Easy Mac and Cheese
• Turkey Meatballs Stuffed With Cheese
• Mexican Lasagna 

The post It Might Be Time To Take Back Birthdays appeared first on The Good Wives Blog.