Yesterday I had to ditch being my regular cool mom self (again), in exchange for being a jerk.  Okay maybe not a jerk, but a “mean mom” for sure. And if you ever plan on having a teenager, and you care even the slightest bit about how you raise them, then I promise you, that unless you compromise, you will too. It’s inevitable. We’ve all been there and if you haven’t yet, you will.

Not long from now those cute morning snuggles and tiny little hands in yours will be replaced with academy award winning eye rolls, long dramatic sighs, and bedroom doors slamming so hard the trim will literally shake. I don’t care if you’re Dr. Phil himself. It’s going to happen. Just you wait.

And when it does, I want you to remember these words. Hang on for the ride. If I can give you any advice at all, it would be just that. Hang on.

I remember sitting at a friend’s kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee one morning, as I unloaded on her all the stress and anxiety that came from having a teenager at home. “How did you do it?” I cried. “How did you make it to the other side?” Her kids were well equipped for the world. They were making good choices and were successful upstanding members of society. I had to know her secret. I was expecting a long and detailed list of book worthy, Harvard studied facts that I had never thought of. Dang, why didn’t I bring a notebook. But what came next was one of the simplest yet most powerful things I have ever heard. “Just hang on for the ride” she said. “Hang on for the ride and don’t compromise.” Wow. Wiser words have never been spoken. As a mom of a soon to be 18-year-old I can honestly say it’s the best advice I have ever been given, and if I can leave you with only one thing when it comes to raising teenagers it would be this. Don’t compromise and just hang on for the ride.

And there it is. Compromise. What does that even mean?

Don’t compromise.

You might not have thought about it before, especially if you have little ones at home, but there is going to come a day when they won’t just do as you say. Not that they really do that now, but you know what I mean. Their friends won’t be your friend’s kids. Their activities won’t be the ones you choose for them. And their opinions on things may leave you wondering where you ever went wrong in life. Your sweet little child will be replaced with an angry hormonal teenager and they will have questions and thoughts, and need a whole lot of understanding. Not long from now they will form their own ideas and make choices that you might not always agree with. And trust me, that part is hard. Allowing them to grow and to be independent while still maintaining values and not compromising is hard.

Especially when we live in an age of society where everything and anything is okay.

Yesterday I was faced with it firsthand. My almost 13-year-old son had come home from school excited to tell me that he and his classmates had made plans to go see a movie. Which by the way warms my heart so much.  I can still remember making plans to go to Famous Players on $2 Tuesdays to see Titanic for the 15^th time and praying that Ricky Little would sit next to me. And yes, that was his real name.

Anyway, I was all on board with it until I heard that they were going to see Invisible Man. I had no idea what this movie was about, but I could tell by the way he was asking that I needed to find out more. Long story short, it’s an R rated film that he had absolutely no business watching. That didn’t make it any easier though. He was looking forward to going and I had to be the one to tell him no, and potentially embarrass him in front of his friends. Cue mom guilt now.

Okay, maybe you’re sitting there thinking that I’m over reacting and you’re totally cool with your kids watching R rated movies. That’s fine. You do you. I’m not here to judge.  All I can do is follow my own heart and it’s convictions, and my heart tells me that life is hard and scary enough for kids, and that I need to protect their innocence as long as I can. I don’t want to take part in filling my child’s head with graphic images and terrible circumstances. The world will do that all on it’s own. And so, the fight ensued.

“But why mom!” he protested. “Everyone else is going. You don’t understand” he exclaimed. Not realizing that I understood full well. “I’m not going to be scared. It’s just a stupid movie, and I’m not a baby anymore. Why do you always have to be like this” he said.

Okay Pause.

In this moment I could’ve chosen a few different scenarios.  I could’ve gotten emotionally invested in the conversation and started to argue with him. It wouldn’t be the first time I had gotten sucked into an argument with my kids and went off the deep end. Doesn’t he know I’m only trying to protect him! Cue big fight now.

I could have laid down the law point blank and dropped the old “because I said so and that’s that.” line, which by the way is the WORST possible thing you can say to a teenager (more on that another day).

OR

I could have just caved a.k.a compromised my values and let him see it. Everyone else was going. Maybe I was overreacting? If other parents think it’s okay for their kids to watch maybe it’s okay for mine? He was really looking forward to it. Maybe it’s not that bad…

But I didn’t.

In fact. I didn’t really choose any of those options. Instead I chose to pull it up on Focus on the Families, Plugged in Movie Review (which by the way is an AMAZING resource) and walk him through all the elements of the movie that did not sit well with me. I needed him to understand why I was making the decision that I was. And that there was a reason I was making this decision, even if he didn’t agree with me. Teenagers need that. They won’t say it but they do.

Teenagers need to understand and be part of the process, and not including a conversation about why you’re doing the things you’re doing can lead to a serious break down in the relationship. A wise man once said “rules without relationship equals rebellion.” and he was spot on. Not to mention you’d be missing out on an amazing teaching opportunity.

I fully believe that although kids say they don’t agree with us. Deep down inside they crave that kind of love from us. The kind of love that sets boundaries for them and that says I love you enough to make the tough decisions for you.  I love you enough to stand on my convictions and hang on for the ride. Yes they kick and scream. Yes they will tell you the world is ending. But at the end of the day if we don’t let them do stupid things now, they will thank us later. If we can just hang on for the ride.

In the end the group decided to see a movie that everyone was allowed to watch, and I was quickly back to being the cool mom when I agreed to drive them all to the theater.

I don’t know what your convictions are and I don’t know what’s important to you, but I do want to challenge you to take a minute and think about it. And then to stand strong and hang on for the ride. What values do you want to instill in your children? The big important stuff you want them to remember when their sitting in a dorm room 100 miles away? Those are things you cannot compromise. Those are the things you need to hang on to the next time the door slams in your face or the eyes roll to the back of their head. The next time your heart hurts and you feel like caving in just remember that those that went before us are on the other side. That if we can love our kids enough to be a consistent pillar of strength while they figure it all out they will thank us. There is a light at the end of a strange and hormonal tunnel and that if you can just hang on for the ride I promise you it will all be worth it.

Laila