Dear Mama, don’t forget to dream. I get it. I know exactly what you’re going through probably a little too well and if you’ve read S.O.S than you already knew that. But I’m here to tell you, don’t forget to dream. I know that seems like a crazy concept. Especially when you’re eating rainbow colored bagels for breakfast even though you know they are probably one part away from being toxic, because your 5-year-old had a meltdown in Walmart and you were too tired to fight (this might be a true story).

I know that by then end of the day you barely have a minute to yourself and instead of celebrating how much crap you actually accomplished (like kept those tiny humans alive) you instead feel guilty because you didn’t read that last story or you lost your cool over the tossed plate of pasta or the Lego on the floor. I know that most days you feel like you’re a sinking ship and wonder how in the world you will do it all again tomorrow (but you do). And I know these days seem like forever but I promise you, they go by quickly.

In the midst of early mornings and late nights it can feel like a lifetime, but it’s not. And believe it or not, there will come a day when you long for a late night snuggle or a soft cry on your shoulder. We know it, but we really don’t.  And it’s easy to think that we will forever be trapped in a world of sleepless nights or temper tantrums, but just like that they are grown. We celebrate the crawls and the walks and throw parties when we can finally toss out that freakin car seat. Kindergarten grads turn into over drawn grade 8 celebrations which quickly turn into proms. And I am worried that in the midst of it all you will lose yourself.

Since I started writing I have been more than ever, intentional about watching and thinking and learning about marriage and motherhood. It’s like all of a sudden, my eyes had opened and for the first time I was really seeing and appreciating all that Moms do. Not that I didn’t before, it’s just that now I have purposely taken my eyes off myself, and you know what, I am amazed.

I am amazed at all the women around me working around the clock, sacrificing every bit of themselves for their job, their marriage and their kids. I am amazed at the mother who worked a 12 hour shift and then came home and drove 3 kids to hockey. I am amazed at the stay at home mom that was up all night and still managed to take her baby to a music class and I am seriously amazed at how strong and how fierce we actually are. But what I have also noticed is that in all of that and through all of that, women are forgetting to dream. They are getting so lost in the day to day grind that they forget to stop and breathe and think for one second about what the future might hold for them.

Mama. Imagine if you can yourself in 20 years. Where are you? What are you doing? Who have you become? It seems like a long way away but guess what, Titanic was released 22 years ago and it seems like just yesterday my sister and I were lined up at Famous Players on $2 Tuesdays to see Leonardo DiCaprio die for the 15^th time. My point is, blink and you’re there.

I love being a Mom, I think it’s one of the most important roles we have. Not only does it pull us apart and put us back together better, but we have a chance to mold these kids into world changing adults. Every little thing we do right now matters, and it will one day have a ripple effect on the world. So hear me when I say, I love being a mom. But just as important are the dreams placed deep within you. That thing that you know is a part of you, that calling that you just couldn’t shake but life and marriage and kids got in the way. The goals and the plans you made when you were little. Hold onto those things tighter than your purse on a New York subway. That is a fire that you don’t ever want to burn out.

What are you passionate about? What burns a fire in your belly? Forget about everything for one second. If money and time and kids, and obstacles, and people’s opinions didn’t matter, what would you be doing. Where would you be? Listen, I know how important these days are. I KNOW that every hug and snuggle matter. Every band aid and bedtime story matter. Every mundane and menial task matters. I know that even If you don’t. But this post isn’t about that. It’s about you. And I want you to know that your dreams matter too. You are still a person. You still have a purpose and I know it’s hard to believe but one day that little boy will be bigger than you and he won’t hold your hand anymore. One day that little girl will be free in the world and she won’t be home anymore. And when that happens who will you be? Lately I’ve been thinking about the women I hope my daughters will become. I want everything for them and I want them to be given every opportunity. And I think that starts with me. I want them to see that it’s possible to be an incredible mother and still maintain their dreams. I don’t want them to grow up and believe that they have to sacrifice or that their lives must be put on hold or that their dreams aren’t important enough to be pursued. And guess what. They will watch me. And they will do what I do. And so will yours.

Mama, I know that the most important work you will ever do is within the walls of your own home (thanks Harold Lee). But It’s easy to get lost in the motions and forget that you are a person and that yes you are a mama but you also have a dream.

Today, I challenge you to dig deep Mama. Write out your dreams and take steps to getting there. Maybe you have always wanted to be a chef? Take a class for fun. Maybe you’ve always dreamt of becoming a doctor but you had babies and med school is out of the picture. Take an online course that will give you one credit towards your future. Listen it’s not going to happen overnight. And it’s not lost on me that we are overworked and underpaid and underappreciated and under slept. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. We owe it to ourselves and our children to be the best version of ourselves possible. And I think that starts with a dream. You have a purpose and the world needs you to fulfill it. So dear mama, don’t forget to dream.

Laila

The post Dear Mama, Don’t Forget To Dream appeared first on The Good Wives Blog.

Hey guys!

I’m sure you have all heard the news by now. But just in case you missed it, I wanted to share some exciting news with you! You can now find more of me over at This Grit and Grace Life! I feel really blessed to be able to share my heart with women on such an amazing platform. My first post “I Might Be a Good Mom, Can That Make Me Be a Bad Wife?” is up now. I hope you will take a second to check it out.

I feel like I’m being pulled in every direction lately. Like I can’t quite reach the mark. I remember when I was working, I used to dream of all the things I would accomplish when I was on maternity leave. The house would be clean, the kids would have beautifully cut shapes of fruits and veggies in their lunch, and my husband would get all the attention he deserves. Fast forward 10 months and one more baby later, and while I find that my house is slightly cleaner and my kids are happier because I am home and they have after-school snacks and decent lunches (no starfish though), my husband still gets put on the back burner. Which makes me feel like a great mom but a not-so-good wife. Can you feel me?

I’m starting to realize that being a wife and being a mother is not the same thing.

It sounds so obvious, but I’m coming to realize it’s not really that obvious at all.

I wake up every morning with this mental checklist of all the things I want to accomplish that day, and by noon I find myself losing steam. By the time I complete drop off and pick up, get the laundry on and make supper, do homework and activities (all while juggling a 9-month-old baby), I have very little energy to invest in myself let alone my husband, and that makes me sad. Because at the end of the day, I do want to be a good wife. And I know what you’re thinking: all these things do make me a good wife. And you’re right. While that’s definitely true, I believe there is still way more to the story.

Read More

The balancing act of trying to be a good mom and being a good wife is something I struggle with daily and since writing this article I’ve heard from so many of you who are feeling the same way! Being a wife and being a mother is not the same thing we know. But do we? I talk all about this in my first post. If you have a minute, check it HERE and if you love it, leave me a comment or share it with your family and friends.

As always, I hope that my journey will encourage and inspire you and that you will have a laugh (or a cry) alongside me!

Lots of Love

Laila

The post I Might Be a Good Mom, Can That Make Me Be a Bad Wife? appeared first on The Good Wives Blog.

If your an expecting mom or you plan to be at some point in your life then your going to want to have these 5 ways to beat the postpartum blues handy when your little one makes their big debut. I don’t care who you are or how many babies you’ve had, you’re going to have a run in with them at some point. Maybe a lot or maybe a little bit but whoever you are, wherever you are, they will find you. And when they do just know it’s okay and that (as my mother used to say) this to shall pass.

You’re going to hear this A LOT around here but I feel like I need to say it for the newbies to give myself a little street credit. I HAVE 4 KIDS which really means I’ve picked up on a few things over the years. I might not have it down to a science but I’ve learned a few tricks here and there. How do they say it? This isn’t my first rodeo. Or something like that.

The postpartum blues ARE REAL. If you have kids then you already know that and if you don’t then you will. Think it won’t happen to you? Your wrong. Unless of course you’re superwoman and sorry but DC has already claimed her so read on.

If you read my other posts than you already know this but I feel like I should say that with my second son I had postpartum depression. It was AWFUL and no amount of anything helped. It was a dark place I hope I never go back to. To be honest, looking back I’m not sure how much of it had to do with my hormones as much as it had to do with all the stress and chaos that was going on in my life at the time. But whatever it was, I needed to seek out medical advice and this article wouldn’t have done it for me. If you’ve got a feeling that maybe that’s you then it’s worth talking to someone. The postpartum blues are not the same as depression so if you think what your experiencing is worse than don’t wait. I suffered for months unnecessarily because I was to afraid to come forward and it was so silly! I remember after I got help thinking to myself, why the heck did I wait so long! There’s no reason to, your not any less of a woman because you asked for help. In fact it takes a great amount of strength and courage to reach out. Be the woman you want your child to be! It’s not going to fix itself so the sooner you address it the better you and your family will be. If you want some more info on it you can click here

Okay so now that we know what we’re dealing with, here are my tips for beating the postpartum blues.

1. Get Outside

Whoa what a concept but seriously GET OUTSIDE!!

I don’t know why but after having my kids days could go by before I would even change my t shirt. I mean why bother it was just going to be puked on in 5 seconds anyway. Seriously though, I would start to get all crazy with my husband (sorry Aaron) and then I would realize, oh man I haven’t left the house in days! As soon as I did it was like the heavens opened up and they were shining just for me. I was a human again, breathing real air! It was glorious.

I know it’s hard, especially if you had a baby in the dead of winter like I did, but the blues are harder so choose the lesser of two evils here and just get outside!!!

2. Just say NO

No I’m not talking about the drugs are bad slogan we learned circa 1995 but in all seriousness, sometimes we just need to say no. It sounds pretty obvious so why don’t we do it? I remember wise older woman telling me this when I was pregnant with Felicity and I would think “yeah I know”, but really we don’t. It’s like we feel guilty, mean or like we’re not being socially acceptable if we just say “hey, you know what I’m tired and exhausted today and I really don’t feel like putting on a clean t shirt.” THAT’S OKAY PEOPLE!!! Seriously, people will understand and if they don’t then I hate to say it but maybe you don’t you want them around anyway? One of the biggest contributing factors to the blues that I found is being over worked and exhausted! Our babies do that to us already why are we adding more to the plate. It’s okay to say no and I promise you once you try it you will be so glad you did.

3. Just say YES

Okay I know I just said say no but sometimes you just need to say yes. Friends and family will offer to help and when they do they mean it. Let them drop off a meal and don’t be shy to say leave it on the porch! As I said in 5 things I wish I knew before I gave birth it took me a couple of kids to realize this but once you do it’s actually amazing. I was always weary of accepting help from others. Maybe I thought they felt they had to offer it because that’s what people do? I don’t know. What I have now realized is that PEOPLE WANT TO HELP! So let them. Life is hard, there are so many situations and occasions that are hard. People get excited about babies. And why shouldn’t they? They want to help because they love you and they love your baby. Let them in. Open yourself up. These people will be part of your community. They will play a huge role in shaping your children and you will be so thankful not to have to cook dinner. I promise.

4. Take a minute or an hour

This one is another obvious one but again we don’t do it. As a mom my days are spent basically caring for others. From morning to night (and sometime thru the night) I’m at the mercy of these tiny humans. I get up, rush them off to school trying to feed them a nutritious breakfasts and if i’m lucky I might catch the scrap crusts off my 5 year old’s toast and carry on with my day. We cook and clean and drive and shop and drive and clean and wash and fold and rock and sing and everything in between and yet we don’t take one second for ourselves. And when we do, cue mom guilt now. WHY? How did this happen? Where and when did it become okay to put ourselves on the back burner. It’s okay and in fact its just as important that we take some time for us.

There is nothing wrong with taking a bath or going for a run or hiding in the bedroom with a good book. Our kids know when we are burnt out and as much as we try to hide it we are just doing ourselves and our families a disservice. I am a better mom and a better wife when I take time for myself and you know what else? Our kids our watching and one day they won’t be kids anymore and I want to raise them with an understanding that self care is important and that there is a big value in taking some time out. So take a minute or an hour and kick that mom guilt and those postpartum blues to the curb.

5. Treat yourself

I don’t know about you but I like rewards. I’ve got all the cards in my wallet to prove it. You know those people who exercise for nothing? Well lets just say I’m the kinda girl that walks strategically by the coffee shop because I like to be rewarded at the end. Probably need to work on that but the point is its good to treat yourself. Whether its a new pair of comfy jog pants to wear around the house or upgraded chocolate in the cupboard there are going to be days when you just need a little extra.

That’s okay! You just grew a human, gave birth, and kept yourself and your family alive in the process all within a year. If that doesn’t call for upgraded snacks I really don’t know what will. As my teenage daughter likes to say YOLO (for all you oldies out there it stands for you only live once) Don’t worry I had to google it.

Listen the point of all this is to say that moms are superstars and sometimes in all our superstar endeavors we tend to overlook the most important thing of all which ourselves. As the airlines say “you can’t save someone else without first putting on your own mask” Okay that sounded better in my head but whatever, you know what I mean. We can all do better in this area and I know for myself especially, when I am invested and intentional about it life is just better and that sounds good to me. As always your not alone and you were never meant to be. Reach out and get out and do all that good stuff you do for everyone else for yourself once in a while.

You got this mama!

Laila

The post 5 ways to beat the postpartum blues appeared first on The Good Wives Blog.

**Warning,  this post is reeeeaaaallllll. Do not read 5 things I wish I knew before I gave birth if you’re pregnant or thinking of becoming pregnant and you’re not ready to face the reality of whats to come after having a baby.** 

In the past year and half the number of family members and friends who have been expecting is CRAZY!!! Love has definitely been in the air, or in the water, or whatever they say. With that has come lots of opportunities to share my life experiences and trials. That’s why I was so inspired to write this post. The first time I gave birth was a loooong time ago. 16 years to be exact and if you’ve read my other posts then you’re probably trying to do the math. I’ll save you the trouble. I got pregnant at 16. We can talk more about that later though. Since then I have had three more kids, most recently 7 months ago and there are still some things I wish I had known before hand.

If you’re like me then you probably gave little thought to the after part of your pregnancy. I mean I gave a LOT of thought to baby names, the color of my nursery, play groups I might want to try. You know all the “fun” stuff. But I really didn’t give much thought to after birth and the days to follow. AND NO ONE TOLD ME!!

I can still remember actually feeling angry a few days after giving birth. I thought to myself, how could no one tell me it would be this hard! It was almost culture shock. I was supposed to be happy and perfect like in the movies and TV shows I had seen. FALSE ADVERTISING PEOPLE!

It’s no ones fault really. I realize now that women who had gone down this road before me hadn’t shared with me probably because they didn’t want to scare me. When really all this did is create a false sense of reality. I started to wonder if I wasn’t handling things as well as I should have. Or as well as maybe some of the other Moms in my life. (For my second child I actually wasn’t and was diagnosed with Postpartum but that’s another blog for another day.)

So I decided to share a little here. Of course there are always exceptions and everyone’s story is different but from my experiences here’s a list of  5 things I’d wish I’d known (and you will too) beforehand.

1. After birth is an aftermath. And it hurts.

I don’t know why, but for some reason I thought that after I gave birth, my baby would be born and my body would be mine again. I really thought I would take a shower, throw on my old jeans and be done with it. WRONG. Nothing could be further than the truth. Did you know that all those contractions your cervix does to expand so that you can hold that tiny (although doesn’t feel that way) human in your arms, actually happens for hours to days afterwards! Yep, your body actually has to contract back and it hurts and it’s awful! No one told me this. They also didn’t tell me that you feel like you’ve been hit by a truck physically, emotionally, and mentally for WEEKS afterwards. They failed to mention that the steady stream of people asking how you were would be mentally exhausting and how you will really just want to live in sweat pants (guilt free) and not leave the house unless you have to. Of course some days are better than others but it took me months to start to feel like myself again. Maybe if someone had told me, I wouldn’t have felt like the worst Mom on the planet! Heck I could’ve enjoyed my sweat pants days.

2. There’s going to be some dark days.

Que movie scene here. Mom has a terrible painful delivery. Screaming with perfect beads of sweat running down her forehead (never had one!) Followed by holding this beautiful, super clean, probably 3 month old baby, and everyone is happy and goes on with their lives. Guess what, that’s not real ans that’s not always the case. Yes you’re happy and YES you are filled with unspeakable joy. You have this child and it’s amazing. But you just gave birth. And after the adrenaline is gone and the meals have stopped coming and your partner goes back to work (and you realize you may never shower freely again) it’s hard! Like really freakin hard, and it’s okay to have some dark days. It’s okay to be scared, nervous, and worried beyond belief! Let me tell you now that you will never experience worry like this until you are a Mom. I actually remember staying up ALL NIGHT crying because when Brooklyn was 5 days old she was twitching (newborns do this and its normal). Anyway, after a long night of google diagnosing and YouTube comparing, I was convinced there was something terribly wrong with her and rushed her to the doctors first thing in the morning to be told she was perfectly healthy (and she is) and to go home and take a nap. While this might not be everyone’s normal (I tend to take things to the next level) it’s NORMAL to have all kinds of emotions. Your hormones are still raging and it’s okay. You will be okay! There will be some dark days following your delivery. But you will be okay!

Side note. Postpartum Depression is real. It’s more than having a few dark days. I had it with my second child and I can’t stress enough that if you’re having feelings of sadness or depression that are strong and they last throughout most of the day for days in a row, or if they last longer than a week or two, if you’re having trouble sleeping, even when baby is sleeping, talk to your doctor. A new mother who feels like giving up, who feels that life is not worth living, or who has thoughts of hurting herself or her child needs to see her physician right away.

3. When people offer to help they mean it.

It took me a couple of kids to realize this but it’s true! I was always weary of accepting help from others maybe because I thought they felt they had to offer it to be socially acceptable or something. Whatever, I don’t know why. What I have now realized is that PEOPLE WANT TO HELP! So let them! Life is hard, there are so many situations and occasions that are hard. People get excited about babies. And why shouldn’t they! They want to help because they love you and they love your baby. Let them in! Open yourself up. These people will be part of your community. They will play a huge role in the people your children will become and you will be so thankful not to have to cook dinner. I promise.

4. Breastfeeding is HARDDDDD!

I don’t know why I didn’t know this. To be honest I guess I just didn’t think about it. I assumed I would have a baby and that I would breast feed and that would be great. It would be my decision. Not so. I tried so hard with my first two. I’ll spare you the gross details but with there was a lot of bleeding and engorged breasts and I quit. With my third he would have nothing to do with it and so I pumped, and pumped, and pumped. Morning and night. In the house, and on the highway (I’m sure there are a few truckers who can attest to this). It was hard. Like really hard. With my last I got lucky! She came out and latched on and away we went. But I now know that’s rare. It’s going to be hard. You might cry and you might cry some more and you might even end up at a very uncomfortable breast feeding clinic with a bunch of topless women and think to yourself how did I get here and how fast can I get the heck out of here. (true story) whatever the case it will get easier! I promise! There will come a point where you will be adjusted and it will feel normal and easy and you will be so glad you stuck it out. OR you might not want that and you will formula feed and that’s OKAY too!!! Just know that women everywhere have gone down these roads before you and whatever path you take to get there YOU WILL GET THERE and your baby will eat solids and one day they will be 5 telling you your food is gross and you’re ruining their lives (also true story).

5.  Resentment will grow if you’re not careful!

Wow, this one is important! I don’t know how many new moms I have talked to that have allowed resentment towards their spouse to manifest in their hearts. As much as our spouses love us and love our child, there will be times when it feels like you’re carrying the load alone. Notice I said the word the word feels. Our bodies have been through turmoil. Our hormones have gone up and down and back and forth and we’ve just been wrecked. We’re trying to breastfeed and juggle all the newness of becoming a mother and we can no longer leave the house without packing a suitcase. If you’re breastfeeding, you’re the only one who can wake to feed at 2 am. And 3 am. And 4 am and you might go an entire day without an adult conversation. We start resenting our spouse for being able to do everyday tasks like drive to work, go to the gym, or even eat their meal without it getting cold! It’s as if (to us) that their normal hasn’t changed much. At least that’s how it feels. I can assure you it’s not the case. I can also assure you that just like you, their world has been turned upside down. At some point these feelings will creep up on you and if you’re not careful they can create a terrible divide between you. I encourage you to talk to your spouse and share how you’re feeling. A lot of the time they just don’t know where to jump in. They are looking for direction. They are trying to figure out where they fit in. We have had the opportunity to bond with our child for months. We’ve felt every move, every hiccup, every kick. They have felt our hearts beating and have heard our voices from morning until night.We can become so consumed with caring for this baby that we can even start to put our spouse to the back burner. They are not mind readers. They are just as nervous and scared as we are, and as much as we think we shouldn’t need to, we need to communicate our needs. You will be surprised at how fast and how well they will step up if you give them the chance!

Congratulations! You made it to the end. THANK YOU! But really this is just the beginning. There is so much more to be said. There is so much good that will come with this. You will experience strength you never thought you had. You will find a love that you never knew before. Endurance will be your middle name. But you can’t and shouldn’t want to do it alone.

FIND YOUR TRIBE!!!

They are out there. They are your mothers, sisters, cousins and friends. They will listen to you as you vent and as you cry about the explosive diarrhea your baby had at the doctors office when you forgot the diaper bag. Why do babies always take a dump in the doctor’s office?! They will talk you off the edge when you haven’t slept for days. They will laugh and bring you wine, and they will literally keep you sane. EVERY woman needs a tribe. If you have one, great, find a mom out there who doesn’t and invite her along. If you don’t. Message me. You do now! Motherhood is an incredible journey and it’s even more incredible when we share it with others.

You’ve got this Mama!

Laila

You might love these!

5 ways to beat the postpartum blues 

Dear Mama, Don’t Forget to Dream

The Silent Lessons We Teach Our Kids 

The post 5 things I wish I knew before I gave birth appeared first on The Good Wives Blog.

Yesterday you probably had a chance to read Today’s The Day .

To be honest I was actually really surprised by how many people read it! Stupid right? Who starts a blog and then is surprised by how many people read it? It was so encouraging  to read all the love and support from family and friends and even from people I’d never even met! Shout out to Malaysia!

For soooo long I hadn’t pursued my dream of creating a blog because I had irrational fears of what others might think.

What if I fail?

What if others thought it was stupid?

What if I get swallowed up in a hole and die?

Okay the last one is a stretch but I seriously felt that way though!!!

I started to wonder how many people were out there doing the exact same thing? I realized that as woman and ESPECIALLY as a Mom I often I had these mindsets of fear and rejection. Maybe it’s just me, but I started to think about what I was thinking about and I realized that I more often than not, I was assuming that I was not as great as the woman next to me. I was silently diminishing my own value and for no good reason. WHY!? Had they done something to make me feel this way? Certainly not. Did I do something wrong to make myself feel this way? Definitely not. How many woman are out there constantly carrying the weight of not being good enough? Not a good enough wife. Not a good enough mother. Heck even not a good enough employee!

ENOUGH! You are good enough. You are seriously good enough. We’re all just doing the very best we can. All you can do is the best you can do. AND THAT’S OKAY. It’s okay to be tired because you were up with a baby last night. It’s okay feed your kids McDonald’s because you don’t have the energy to cook tonight. It’s okay to forget about the load of laundry that’s been sitting in the washer for who knows how long ( don’t even try to deny it), and its okay to call in sick because your sick! What would happen if we all just realized that we were okay? If we looked at other woman with eyes of compassion and we stopped assuming that they had it all together and started to realize that they, just like us, are struggling with feelings of inadequacy.

Chasing my dreams obviously didn’t erase all of that for me. Years of wrong thinking won’t change overnight. Today I still have those thoughts, but they are slowly being pushed aside by feelings of excitement and accomplishment. Your encouragement is  pushing me to keep going and I’m proud of myself for tackling a project and for doing something I’ve always wanted to do. My eyes opened just a tiny bit to the lies we tell ourselves. And I am going to run with it.

Today, like me, THINK about what you’re thinking about! What are you holding back from yourself for fear of being rejected? Maybe there’s  a new Moms group in town you’ve always wanted to try? Maybe there’s someone you’ve been thinking about reaching out to but haven’t? Maybe you have a great idea  for the office? Whatever it is be encouraged! You are strong and you are good enough! What would happen if today we all looked differently at the woman we encounter? If we remembered to lift them up and to encourage them. To cheer them on from the sidelines and to hopefully instill a little bit of strength their step?

This is just the beginning for me. I’m sure there will be bumps along the road and  it definitely won’t be easy but I’m glad to have a community that surrounds and uplifts me and you should be glad too. I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Today be encouraged wherever you are and know that you are good enough.

Laila

The post Chasing Dreams appeared first on The Good Wives Blog.